life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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