Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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