WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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