I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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