I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
