this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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