Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
