She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
