It's Friday. Sex?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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