Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
