i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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