Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize