I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
