alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
