i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
