hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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