Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My dad just said "fuck circus"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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