walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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