take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
