I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
She told me I should be a condom model.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
