Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
