I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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