My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
