Screwed.edu
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
