The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
