I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
