Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
