so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
