You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
