also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
