I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize