I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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