my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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