help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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