Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
