I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
