i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
