3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
