Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
