i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
