My liver just broke up with me...
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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