I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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