I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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