I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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