my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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