whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
