Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
