We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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