he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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