i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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