Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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