Did you just see the Batmobile???
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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