I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Quick, to the slutcave!
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I came so hard my ears popped.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
