the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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