If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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