my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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