It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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