Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I think i got beer on your cat.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
