Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
