If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
