Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
