Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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