Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
