I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
