saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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