how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
