I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
