hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize