I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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