Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
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