Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
