Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
