Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Randomize
