We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
