wake up i wanna do it froggy style
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
