I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
