Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
